Jumat, 16 Agustus 2013

A Mother's Advice

What lessons would you want your children to remember if this was you last day together? I lost my mother when my children were just three and four years old. As my daughters entered their teen years, I realized there was so much I wish I had asked my mother. I was so fortunate to have had such a good role model growing up and that made me realize that I wanted to be the best parent I could be for my children. As parents, we all want our children to harness the positive energy that will lead to healthy and happy lives, but how do we facilitate that? How can we effectively demonstrate the importance of life's lessons?

Following the death of my mother, I realized that even though she was gone physically, her words and actions still guided me. She had already shown me how to navigate through life and I knew I could do the same for my children. So, how can we take the best of our own parents advice and make it work with this generation?

Actions: The first thing to remember is that words don't teach as effectively as actions. The behaviors and ideals we wish to see in our children are things we, as parents, should be modeling ourselves. For me, this has been the biggest learning experience as a parent. When you see certain attitudes and behaviors do you immediately recognize that your kids are mirroring back your vices? This illustrates just how important our actions are to our children!

Self-Esteem: I think a common thread that weaves its way through all of life's lessons is self-esteem. This trait can't be taught, but we can help our children, from the beginning of early childhood, to have a good self-image. As a mother of two daughters, how often have I stood in front of the mirror and criticized something about my appearance? When we do this, what message are we sending to our kids? If parents want our children to feel beautiful just as they are, we need to model that behavior for them.

We can teach our children to look in the mirror and not find fault, but rather, shift their perspective to things they appreciate about their features. The more teens can compliment their own appearance, the easier it will be for them to find things they do like about themselves, both externally and internally.

Self-image: Today, more than ever, teens are bombarded with information and images of what's "in" and "cool". As they sort through all the ideas available to them, it's important for parents to let your children know it is OK to be an individual! A solid self-image is the cornerstone for any healthy person and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves. Teach your children that feeling good about one's self comes from inside. Though this can be a tough concept for our children to grasp, we can help by encouraging them to turn off the ads and stimuli for a time during each day and just think about who they want to be as a person. If they unplug from their computers and TVs, they can take some time to do more creative activities like journaling or drawing which will help them to explore their own style.

And so we point back to good self-esteem as the foundation for making good choices in life. People that feel good about how they are perceived, generally take better care of themselves. Teens who are secure in their appearance and personality are much less likely to engage in dangerous behaviors because they have a healthy self-esteem and respect for themselves and their bodies. They are more comfortable being individuals regardless of peer-pressure.

Be Yourself: This is an important lesson for all of us to remember. Humans are social creatures and, as such, we want to be accepted by our peers. Our children need to know the benefits of being a unique individual. For example, when they are comfortable being themselves, people that share like interests are more likely to gravitate towards each other. Being around people who reflect our positive attributes will likely bring more happiness and success into their lives. Teach your children to choose friends who uplift them and with whom they can enjoy life.

Find Things You Love to Do: Doing things you love and finding others that share those interests are very important for our teens. Finding clubs, hobbies, and groups that give them a sense of belonging and meaning helps to not only build a sense of community, but also builds important self-esteem. As parents, we can help them to explore some possibly hidden talents they may have. Being involved in afterschool activities or even volunteer work outside of school helps to round out a teen's life and make them feel like they are contributing to something positive.

Respect Differences: As our young people learn to love and respect themselves, they need to recognize that everyone has that same right. Teens will most likely meet people in life that do things differently than they do or that may have differing beliefs, so teach your children that diversity is what makes the world an interesting, vibrant place. Show them how embracing, respecting and accepting differences can enrich their own lives.

Control what you can: A teenager's life is full of challenges; hormonal changes and social pressures are just some of the issues facing our kids! It's so important for children to learn that there is only so much they can control. The most important things they get to control are their thoughts and reactions to situations.

Thoughts are very powerful and they can be used to uplift or drag you down. When you realize that you are in the driver's seat and you get to control which train your thoughts get on, it's a powerful notion. We can help our teens realize that they are in control of this aspect of their lives.

Stop the negative self-talk: Even as adults, we all have a lot of chatter that goes on in our heads. If we take a moment to notice whether our self-talk serves us or defeats us, we can make the conscious effort to be more choosey about our thoughts. We really do become what we think. Why not practice thinking good thoughts that uplift us?!

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger: The most profound growth in anyone's life comes during a period of perceived struggle. Everything we experience in life serves the purpose of clarifying what we want from our own life. So, when we're experiencing a difficult moment, as we work through it, we are growing and learning. I always remind my children to look back at times past and moments that seemed so traumatic. As they recall them, they also remember that they got through those times. They worked through those issues and they came out on the other side; wiser and stronger!

My daughters navigate through their lives easier by realizing that they are not alone. They are not the first people to be feeling or experiencing hardship and they won't be the last. We need to show our children that they have all the tools they need to get through anything that life offers. Every person experiences a nice mixture of good times and not so good times. That is the nature of life.

Keep a Positive Attitude: As our children surf through life's waves, we can help them to try to look for the positive. In any situation, there are positive aspects and some not so positive moments. Teach your children to train their focus. They get to decide where they put their attention. Look for the bright side in any circumstance, to the best of your ability, and you can do anything you put your mind to.

Our children will be faced with many challenges throughout their lives, but if they can get into the habit of focusing on the brightest side of any circumstance, they can improve the quality of their lives. The more they practice, the easier it gets and, the easier it gets, the more at peace they will become.

Simplicity in Your Present Moment: Which brings me to my final point, look around you and appreciate all the simple, good things in your lives right now. We are so blessed and the more we can look around us and recognize how lucky we are, the more goodness we allow into our lives. We're never too young or old to learn that lesson.

So, as we grow as parents, don't let moments pass you by that can serve as teaching moments for you and your children. Start now by making positive changes in your own lives so that you can be a positive role model for your children. Listen to the advice of trusted elders. Even though times have changed, people are still people. The basic issues our teens face today are quite similar feeling-wise to those we faced and our parents faced. Just as I hear my mother's words as plainly as if she were alive and right beside me, someday your children will hear yours as well. Make the most of your time together!

Rabu, 14 Agustus 2013

How to Split Your Time Between Your New Spouse and His Children

Marrying someone who already has children can be a blessing, but it can also be a nightmare. It's a nightmare when you have to deal with an insecure ex. But you know the heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes you have to take the bad with the good. So you want to make the most of it and be careful not to step on anyone's toes when you become the stepparent.

But hey, you just got married here and you want to make sure you are spending time with your new spouse. Here are some tips for splitting your time between your new spouse and his/her children.

1. Always understand that you won't always be #1. Yes, when you get married it's supposed to be about you and your spouse and everything is centered around you. But when you have children, that tends to go out the window. Your spouse has had time to get used to splitting his emotions and sharing his heart. Now you have to understand that you won't always come first, and really you shouldn't want to.

This doesn't mean you should never be #1, but your new spouse does have other people counting on him and sometimes you have to be prepared to step back and wait your turn.

2. Spend time with the child. Set up some one-on-one time, but also enjoy your new spouse with his kids. It might not be the romantic date night you envisioned, but it shouldn't matter so long as you're spending time with your new spouse. And he will appreciate your effort in taking the time to make his child feel special and respecting the time he has with his child.

3. Set a date night. Make sure your spouse sees this time as a priority. It's hard to split your time between kids and a spouse, but it's important. Get creative. Wait until the kids are in bed if need be. Steal away time during your lunch break. Just make sure you're finding time to be a couple.

4. Make it clear to your spouse and his children that you want him to spend time with his children too. You're not in competition here. You can allow them to have one-on-one time with no hurt feelings.

5. Take a walk with your spouse. It's amazing how much can be hashed out on a walk around the neighborhood.

6. Take a vacation. Plan something for a time when your spouse's children will be with another parent. Just make it a priority to get away together.

7. Enjoy the little things. A busy life might make it hard to find time together, but stealing away a few moments here and there by cooking a meal together or doing tasks you enjoy doing together around the house can have a real bonding effect - in spite of all of the craziness of a house with children, even when they are not your own.

Starting a marriage off with children from a previous marriage is a balancing act. But establishing a good stable home life is important for everyone involved, especially the children. So be there, but don't be needy and always understand that your spouse can have room in his heart to love you and his children.

However, if you're ever getting to the point where you're feeling neglected, make sure to take your spouse aside (away from the children) and let him know how you're feeling and suggest doing some of the things listed above to reconnect. He should appreciate your honesty about how you're feeling and want to accommodate you as best he can.

Marrying a person with children doesn't have to be a deal breaker as long as you're willing to work at it, and so is the other person.

I had a great time writing this article. I hope you enjoyed it. I look forward to being in touch with you again. Yours Marc.

I know. And you are about to know. The one primary source. Of all disease. And the cause. Of the capacity for violence. I have single handedly. Gone on a Sherlock Holmes like. Inner. And outer. Journey. Of exploration. Of what we know. And. What. We did not know. Bringing it all together. With twists. Rivaling. The best Hollywood plot. And bestseller novel.

Kamis, 08 Agustus 2013

Children of Trauma and the School Response

For children who have undergone trauma, transitioning from a caregiving environment to an educational environment, is, at best, a challenge, and at worst, a daily nightmare.

Going to School

In the early years, screaming and clinging children are expected to cease and desist from this behavior as soon as mom is out of sight. So often, they don't. Instead they collapse in a heap on the floor or lash out physically against teachers, caregivers and other children. Unless the child has trauma-understanding teachers and caregivers this will begin their descent into an ongoing childhood of one difficulty after another in their school career until they drop out, age out, or barely graduate.

Teachers Are Key to Reaching Children of Trauma

Teachers are not being taught how to work with the child of trauma and they are under the gun to teach in classrooms full of children whose brains are not ready to learn. Whoever is making policy has ignored the body of knowledge about stress and its effect on our children, which is sabotaging our educational system. The teacher/child relationship makes a difference; one way or another.

I have met great teachers whose love for these children kept them in school even when they struggled to learn. In the shelter of this love, children of trauma find an oasis in the desert of their lives. They still have difficulties, but they found external resources to keep them going.

On the other hand, I have met teachers who were not so great and their judgment of these children was like an arrow in the children's hearts. The children react by coming out fighting for their lives.

We are a society that does not understand the relationship between stress experienced by a child and its effect on that child's development. Children in school are misunderstood and their difficult behaviors and attitudes are judged harshly. Sad for me to say but, in this neck of the woods, even when administrators know that children have been traumatized, they still give "licks" as punishment for misbehavior that is deemed consciously chosen.

Understanding the Traumatized or Troubled Child

I don't know when there will be a better understanding that punishing a traumatized child, especially physically, is perpetrating more violence on a small, helpless already-assaulted body. It is not a teaching or calming interaction and, though it may work temporarily, the damage to the spirit and soul of that child is unseen and immeasurable. It verifies to the child that they are 'bad'.

Peter Levine, who has worked in the field of trauma for over 30 years states, "Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness." His and others' research has demonstrated that trauma happens first at the level of the body, and the emotions and mind follow.

The education system still works at the level of cognition when it comes to traumatized children's behaviors; unknowingly this keeps them stuck in a trauma-reactive system. Educators' lack of understanding that children with these difficult behaviors are reacting from a place of not feeling safe, is an unconscious reaction and not a choice.

What these children need are environments of understanding adults who can help them navigate to a place of feeling safe and secure. They need to understand this is possible and doable because the same biological system that leads one into a traumatic state due to environmental factors is connected to another biological system that can calm the traumatized one when the environment reflects safety.

A traumatized child is a child who lives in fear and whose basic belief is that, "The world is not safe. Adults are not safe. I am not safe."

How Can I Help a Traumatized Child?

As you interact with children of trauma, whether you are a parent, caregiver, or educator, ask yourself, "Is what I am about to do with this child teaching them I am a safe person? That they can count on me? Or I'm just another mean-faced, scary, hurtful adult?"

What parents, caregivers, and teachers can do to help children feel safe:

    Understand that a behavior is a consequence of feelings and needs. Trauma-reactive behaviors are indicators that the child is overwhelmed, doesn't feel safe, and can't manage their behavior. (Again this is not a choice.) Look for the child's underlying need: Is there too much stimulation in the room? Do they need to come and sit or stand by you for a moment to help them regulate? Do they need to go to the bathroom, but are having trouble transitioning from the game they are playing? Are they hungry? Are they tired?

    Calm your own emotions about the child's behavior. Children who are aggressive, have an attitude or are defiant can trigger an adult's reaction regarding issues of respect, compliance, and "proper" behavior. Deal with your issues first, otherwise you will be triggered into trying to control the child. This will only lead to an escalation of their behavior and you will be in a negative feedback loop (giving negativity only leads to receiving negativity).

    Remember that a child who is emotionally triggered does not have their thinking cap or their ears on. Wait until you and the child are calm. Then have a conversation about what happened. Ask them what happened and then listen to what they have to say. Then talk to them about what they need to do different the next time.

    Have a safe space in the room and teach all your children at home or in the classroom that it is a place they can go to where they won't get in trouble and they can calm themselves down. Many traumatized children are aware of what they are feeling but they don't know what to do and once they are "there," they can't ask. You know that from your own experience. The important thing is to not get to that "there" place. Prevention is helpful with this.

    Quietly without a lot of words direct the child away from the situation and have them sit close to you, then go back to what you are doing. This keeps the child from being isolated which is what a time out does. Instead you are giving them a time in while you go on about your business.

    Sometimes the only thing you can do is the best you can to make sure everyone stays safe. If the child won't leave, have everyone else get away from them, leave the room or go to another part of the playground. This is not the time to try to show who is boss. You will learn it is not you.

    Maintaining a routine and doing what you say you are going to do will help provide an ongoing repetition of safety.

    Recognize you may not know what triggers a child into traumatizing behaviors. It could be a sight, a sound, something within them like a memory or a felt sense in their body. It could be a loud noise, someone's voice the child perceives as loud. See their reactions as communication of their need for safety and provide that to them.

    Teach yourself and your child breathing exercises, yoga or put on soothing music.

    Understand that traumatized children are more likely to get sick and have other health issues like asthma, headaches, and stomachaches and frequently need to go to the bathroom or have accidents. (I recently had two school age clients diagnosed with stomach migraines by their pediatricians. Never heard of it but I've worked with many children like them who have ongoing chronic headaches and severe stomach pains). Often these physical symptoms are discounted at home and school because the child is thought to be trying to get out of something or be manipulative. I did not find that to be so. If you study the neurophysiology of trauma you will find ample evidence to change your mind.

Traumatized children, especially those of school-age, have multiple hurdles to jump and need adults to understand, listen, and hold the child accountable. Parents, teachers, and caregivers should help nurture the child to a calmer place so they can be ready to learn. Children of trauma really want to be like all the other kids: learning, growing, having fun and being loved.

Senin, 05 Agustus 2013

Factors in Divorce

Recent evidence from a 20 year study of families who have experienced divorce make it very clear that many efforts as a part of a divorce settlement which seeks to specify and set into a legal code the contact between children and their parents as well as expanded family members can and will have disastrous impacts on children. Children's live experiences are not always such that fit neatly and nicely into a schedule which has to room for modification and adjustment. The impact that divorce decrees have on children is long lasting, not easily dealt with and can create negative growth situations even for the children of the children of the children involved.

A set of parents may make the decision that they no longer wish to be married and the courts will assist them to do so. BUT the court system and the officers thereof MUST act in a truly professional manner and take the well being and future of these children into account. Sometimes the parents and even extended family members will engage in a battle to settle their differences and use the children as pawns in that battle. Parents and all parties involved need to be encouraged to rise above their own petty ego and vengeance needs and carefully consider the welfare of the children involved.

Attorneys must resist the temptation to see a messy divorce situation as a way of spending more time and effort and therefore making more money for themselves byh aiding and abetting a vengeful battle. Encourage both parents to settle their differences without a prolonged battle and without infringing on each parent's access to the children.

The research is particularly specific in regard to the need for a continuing relationship between the children and their biological father. The absence of this relationship will have a profound negative impact on the development of healthy self-esteem in the children involved. The court should work to avoid substituting legal language and easily written schedules which may appear to be unbiased and fair in a legal sense but which do not account for the specific and individualized growth and development needs of the children involved. In many cases, older children in particular may need to be given the option of determining of their own accord what kinds of visitation and access works for them and what really is in their own best interest.

It seems clear from my own professional experience that many attorneys have done a great service in encouraging divorcing couples to settle their differences in such a way as to not damage the children. Often this is done in such a way that the attorney might even not receive as high a fee as he or she would have received had they encouraged conflict. On the other hand, I have seen couples and families who may have been able to reestablish their marriage or at least a friendly relationship so that the children would not have to be caught in the middle if it were not for the absolute insistence of one or more of the attorneys involved to "make sure you get everything that you deserve," or "Don't' give in to your emotions now that you have him or her exactly where you have always wanted him or her." Of what great value is it when at the end of a long and lengthy court battle one or more of the parents is so deeply in debt that they cannot even afford reasonable food and housing for their children? If there are serious parental inadequacies which are potentially damaging to children this may be more appropriately an issue for Child Protective Services not the divorce court.

All individuals who find themselves involved in any level with the problems of and process of a divorce should familiarize themselves with the findings of the research of Dr. Judith Wallerstein. The evidence seems to conclude that very few if any problems are solved by divorce and many more are created by the legal battle involved in the divorce process. One set of problems are simply exchanged for completely different set of problems. The individuals most directly involved need help in understanding the implications of their decisions and how best to deal with those implications in their own life and of the lives of their children. Too often divorce is somehow expected to be a solution to existing problems but only serves to create more problems that were not expected. Parents and others involved in the divorce process should understand all aspects of the situation and not go into it blind - only finding out the real truth of the matter after it is too late to do anything about it.

In her book Second Chances as well as The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Dr. Wallterstein describes the results of her study of the impact of divorce on children and adults. Contrary to her expectations she found that when she conducted follow-up interviews most families were still in crisis. Their wounds were wide open. Turmoil and distress had not noticeably subsided. Many adults still felt angry, humiliated, and rejected, and most had not gotten their lives back together. An unexpectedly large number of children were on a downward course. Their symptoms were worse than before. Their behavior at school was worse. Their peer relationships were worse. The illusion she had held - that divorce can bring an end to marital conflict - was shattered. She observes:

"Divorce has ripple effects that touch not just the family involved, but our entire society. As the writer Pat Conroy observed when his own marriage broke up, "Each divorce is the death of a small civilization." When one family divorces, that divorce affects relatives, friends, neighbors, employers, teachers, clergy, and scores of strangers. Although more people stay married than get divorced, divorce is not a them versus us problem: in one way or another, has been touched by it. Today, all relationships between men and women are profoundly influenced by the high incidence of divorce. Children from intact families are jittery about divorce. Teachers from all over the country tell me that their students come to school wide-eyed with fear, saying that their parents quarreled the night before and asking in terror, "Does that mean they are going to divorce?" Radical changes in family life affect all families, homes, parents, children, courtships, and marriages, silently altering the social fabric of the entire society."

Sometimes two simple questions needs to be asked of litigants in a divorce case: "What do you really hope to gain from all of this?" and "What is the long term impact of what you seek on the well being and development of the children involved?" The wishes and needs of children need to be considered in all decisions and agreements. It may sound fair to award visitation to parents on an every other weekend basis from Saturday morning to Sunday night. But what impact might that have on the religious life of a child or even an entire family where a religious affiliation is an important of their stability, growth and well being. Attending one religious affiliation on one week and another one the following week is more likely to engender confusion, instability and emotional as well as spiritual distress all in the name of equal distribution. Perhaps it takes the wisdom of Solomon. Remember? Two women claimed a child and to settle the conflict he offered to slice the child into two parts so that each of them might have their portion. He knew immediately which mother had the best interests of the child at heart by her quick reaction to stop such an action. It may be perfectly acceptable for some children to have a "required" visitation on a school night but for others it may destroy their ability to succeed in school. There must be room for negotiation and modification to allow for the increasingly complicated schedule children find themselves in as they grow into their later teen years. Somehow the right of children to make decisions and make their own choices must be a reasonable part of the process and amenable to change rather then set into legalized stone.

Why Is It Good to Use a Baby Monitor?

If you have a lot of things to do, whether in your house or at your office, you might find no more time for your baby. Furthermore, babies really need to be taken cared of with much of your attention and time. If you are having a problem managing your time for your baby, then it is time for you to avail a baby monitor. To know more about this, all you have to do is to read this entire article.

When your baby is tucked in her or his crib and you're not always there to watch her or him, then having a baby monitor can really be a great help to you. If you are not a traditional type of a mother, then there is this new way to keep an eye to your baby, and that is with the use of a baby monitor. Below are the places on where you can put the baby monitor:

In the playroom

If your child is becoming a toddler and has his own playroom, having a baby monitor when she plays can let you check if your baby is safe while you are finishing the entire job around your house. If you put the monitor on while your baby is playing, you can hear her babble and giggle. Also, with the moment that it is too silent or when she cries, you can respond immediately to your child.

Put it in Baby Carrier

If there are cases that you need to run some errands or go to some events or meetings, you bring with you your baby carrier. You can put the baby monitor and turn it on if you need to ask any of your friends to watch over your baby while you are away for a short moment. When you are away from your baby, you can hear what is happening while you are away. It is also a great way if you will purchase a two-way kind of baby monitor. With it, you can hear your baby and at the same time, your baby can hear you as well.

Place it in the bathroom

When your child is growing and learning how to bathe themselves, you still need to keep an eye on them especially during the time they go to bath. By doing this, you can know what is happening in the bathroom while you are away. Just keep in mind to put the baby monitor in a safer place like above the shelves or away in the bathtub or the floor of the bathroom. You need also to orient your child not to touch the monitor for safety purposes.

Place one in bed

Once your child came from school and sick, then it is really a must for you to use a baby monitor. This is essential in order for you to know if your child needs you, if he needs something, or if you only want to monitor what he does when you are away.

There are many benefits that baby monitor can provide to you and to your child. All you need to do is to make sure that you purchase the right and perfect one that will cater to your needs.

Sabtu, 03 Agustus 2013

A New Kind of Poverty

Recently I had the opportunity to hear Dr. Jean Clinton, infant, child and adolescent psychiatrist at McMaster University, speak. She says there is a new kind of poverty emerging in our country that has nothing to do with financial hardship. She calls it a "poverty of relationships" and she says we have an epidemic on our hands.
Kids today are being raised by their peer group and not by the adults around them. As a result, kids are having fewer and fewer interactions with the adults in their lives and we are now beginning to see the effects of this impoverishment in our schools. Recent studies show that 41% of our children have overwhelming anxiety and 30% lose sleep because of their anxiety. Clinton says we don't need new programs to address the issue. We need a new way of thinking about the kind of relationships that kids have.
When we were young, we had lots of caring adults in our lives. These adults weren't glued to their technological gadgets like many adults are today. They didn't have any technological gadgets and they didn't have online selves that they needed to maintain. Instead, adults in our lives extended themselves mentally by interacting with us.
According to Clinton, adolescence today begins at 8 to 10 years of age. Massive changes occur in the adolescent brain and these changes continue until adolescents reach the age of 24 to 26 years old (and sometimes later in males). The adolescent brain is a brain "under construction." Clinton says it's a "magnificent" period for making connections with kids.
We are a social species and our brains are wired to connect with others. We need to feel a sense of belonging with others in order to be healthy. When we feel connected to others, our stress levels go down. With fewer adult connections in their lives today, kids are increasingly stressed and it's hard for them to easily experience new learning or to remember things. Many kids don't do well in school as result.
The solution to the poverty of relationships doesn't involve money. Surprisingly enough, it involves the eyes. Clinton says every child needs 5 adults whose eyes light up when they walk in a room.
So the next time you think about buying a gift for a child in your life, consider giving them the gift of your eyes instead. If every adult were to think about their relationships with kids in this way, we'd eliminate the poverty of relationships very quickly and we'd transform the lives of our kids.
To feel the effect of this new way of thinking, all you have to do is think about how you would feel if the eyes of the people you love lit up every time you walked in the room. It's a really wonderful feeling, isn't it?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/8096524

Jumat, 02 Agustus 2013

Dealing With Bad Attitude From Your Teen

Raising ungrateful teens isn't always what it looks like. Teens are wired different from anyone else. Sometimes they act like they are two years old, stomping their feet, slamming doors and just plain temper tantrum, then the next day they come in being sweet and helpful. It's such a confusing time for them as well as us parents. You never know who your dealing with. You almost want to ask them if you're dealing with the two year old or the teen. If your confused imagine how they are feeling, they are on hormone overload.

With that said some teens are just plain ungrateful. How did that happen? They have a mentality entitlement attitude, it's just how they are wired. The hard part about all of this is parents, you created these monsters. Don't feel bad, you just loving them and want them to have what we didn't. So why do you seem shocked when they act ungrateful? It's not just parents that indulge these kids, this Country is so focused on "being friends" and not parents to these kids and heaven forbid someone tell them no.

Teens scream and yell and slam things just to get what they want and they want it now! So much of the time they know if they keep arguing with you they will wear you down and they know eventually they will get what they want. They use what works and it usually does. They know that. It takes two to fight if you take yourself out of the equation they have no one to fight with. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Parents tend to change the way they parent as the teen gets older. They want to be their child's best friend and that just doesn't work. Just because they are young adults should not stop you from parenting, in fact it should go into overdrive.

Teens seem to expect to have everything their friends have and they have no true sense of what things cost.

So many parents find themselves in this situation. They are well meaning and loving parents. It seems that if the parents had a hard time growing up that the parents would want what was best and being their friend isn't what is best. So much of the time we overindulge our kids and therefore we have created these overindulged teens.

You can change some of these behaviors.

1. Stop the power struggle.

2. Stop rewarding them for inappropriate behaviors.

3. When you say no you mean no. You can't change your mind.

4. Stay calm and refuse to argue with them.

5. Your child has some great qualities. Praise them and reward them for appropriate behaviors.

6. Don't try to buy their love, it doesn't work.

Your job has changed from when they were little. Now your job is to raise loving, responsible adults. Don't bail them out of everything they get themselves into. Your not helping them. Let the try to figure out their own problems, then if they need help guide them to the right answer don't do it for them.

This is the time they need guidance but so many times parents want to make it easy for their child. They need to have chores to earn money. If you just give it out because your teen wants it makes it very difficult when they get out in the real world and they are told know about something they are not going to have a clue how to handle hearing no. Just remember this to will pass. We all thought the terrible two's were hard. You haven't seen anything yet. Get control now.